We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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