just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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