I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
