You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
