I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
