You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
