how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
