drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
