I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
