Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
