Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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