Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
No subtext here. People are naked.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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