when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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