Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Randomize
