I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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