I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Send help, water and tortillas.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
