But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Come share oat with me in your robe
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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