in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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