Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
