I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
