The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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