This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
