I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
