Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
