I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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