It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
