Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Randomize
