I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
