mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
