grandma shit on top of the toilet
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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