Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
