I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
My feet surprised me
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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