He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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