i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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