he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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