Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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