I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just threw up on my dentist
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Can you repeat that, but with context?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
