Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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