maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Randomize
