Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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