mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
