I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
