i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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