I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
