I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
