He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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