Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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