Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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