there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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