Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
