She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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