apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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